Deep In It
29 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Dreams Tags: introspection
We process our crazy in different ways.
I process my crazy in little projects. I depend on systems and spreadsheets and tasks and responsibilities and checklists in order to keep me sane. And when I pine, this becomes a system in which I have to figure out how to exist.
When pressed. When pressed about my crazy. About the reins I’m pulling taught around the spiral of my thoughts. When pressed about all of that, the thin membrane I’m desperately trying to keep in tact degrades, erodes, decays and any semblance of control is deflated.
I’m not the type of crazy to set your car on fire.
I’m the worse kind. The kind that will sit in a bar, silently, mulling, over a glass of something brown. I’m the kind that you don’t want to touch. I’m the kind that won’t be fun in bed. I’m the kind that might just bum you out when you end up figuring out that there’s someone else on your mind after you’ve been with me for a few hours. But I’m a time filler. So what does it matter.
I’m a self-depricating kind of crazy that men love to say, “Awwwww,” to before planting false kisses on my forehead. Because they believe that the right one is out there for me. It’s just not them. I deserve someone better.
In the meantime. My crazy consumes me. These four walls close in. The eight corners cast shadows. My memories become more significant. I regret. I pine.
I would rather brood. Apparently, that makes me less attractive to the opposite sex. Well, I’ve tried everything else. So I’m just going to brood. Because I’m okay in this space. I don’t need to tell anyone anything about myself in this space. I can be quiet in this space. I don’t have to win anyone over in this space.
I will leave the country in a few days. I will run away. I will remove myself from the situation. I will go far, far away from everything here that makes me so comfortably uncomfortable, so lonely in a crowd of my nearest and dearest. I will know myself differently. I will be working.
Everything will be different.
Nonlinear
23 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in Dreams Tags: introspection
My life is not linear. I experience my life in a montage of flashbacks and flashforwards. Memories and hopes drifting back and forth, pushing up against each other, influencing each other. I expect that I will remember my life differently with each new and important event.
Say, for example, in this moment, I am feeling completely and utterly alone. In the future I may have built a family and when I look back on my current loneliness, I will remember it differently. I will remember the adventures. I will remember the friendships. But tomorrow, I will look back on today and think, “My God, will this never end? Will I always feel so hopeless?”
Sometimes I believe that I haven’t evolved from a precocious sixteen year old. And other times I feel I’ve evolved so much that my brain can’t wrap its head around what has happened to me and what my purpose has now become. Sometimes I see myself as an 80 year old woman, looking out at her garden through thick spectacles, laughing at herself, holding onto her precious memories. Sometimes I feel that this is not real, this life I’m living, I’m a character in a story, unaware of the audience watching me who are enjoying my shortcomings, identifying with my hubris, waiting for catharsis, relieved at the denouement.
I don’t think life is linear. I think everything that has happened and will happen and is happening actually occurred when time and space were created all at once. There is no such thing as the past or the future and the present is just what our consciousness has created for us. Our life experiences are a fractal of mirrored images replicating themselves over and over. We will never know the end, our memories are sentimental, ethereal things, all we have is what we can see and touch and feel. The only kind of truth there is is the kind of truth we create for ourselves. Whether it’s the good kind of truth or the bad kind of truth might just be up to us.
I want to create some goodness. That’s the kind of truth that matters to me.
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