Epic

Your love taught me to grieve
and I have been in need, for centuries
a woman to make me grieve
for a woman, to cry upon her arms
like a sparrow
for a woman to gather my pieces
like shards of broken crystal

Your love has taught me, my lady, the worst habits
it has taught me to read my coffee cups
thousands of times a night
to experiment with alchemy,
to visit fortune tellers

It has taught me to leave my house
to comb the sidewalks
and search your face in raindrops
and in car lights
and to peruse your clothes
in the clothes of unknowns
and to search for  your image
even…..even…..
even in the posters of advertisements
your love has taught me
to wander around, for hours
searching for a gypsies hair
that all gypsies women will envy
searching for a face, for a voice
which is all the faces and all the voices…

Your love entered me…my lady
into the cities of sadness
and I before you, never entered
the cities of sadness
I did not know…
that tears are the person
that a person without sadness
is only a shadow of a person…

Your love taught me
to behave like a boy
to draw your face with chalk
upon the wall
upon the sails of fishermen’s boats
on the Church bells, on the crucifixes,
your love taught me, how love,
changes the map of time…
Your love taught me, that when I love
the earth stops revolving,
Your love taught me things
that were never accounted for
So I read children’s fairytales
I entered the castles of Jennies
and I dreamt that she would marry me
the Sultan’s daughter
those eyes..
clearer than the water of a lagoon
those lips…
more desirable than the flower of pomegranates
and I dreamt that I would kidnap her like a knight                                                      and I dreamt that I would give
her necklaces of pearl and coral
Your love taught me, my lady,
what is insanity
it taught me…how life may pass
without the Sultan’s daughter arriving

Your love taught me
How to love you in all things
in a bare winter tree,
in dry yellow leaves
in the rain, in a tempest,
in the smallest cafe, we drank in,
in the evenings…our black coffee

Your love taught me…to seek refuge
to seek refuge in hotels without names
in churches without names…
in cafes without names…

Your love taught me…how the night
swells the sadness of strangers
It taught me…how to see Beirut
as a  woman…a tyrant of temptation
as a woman, wearing every evening
the most beautiful clothing she possesses
and sprinkling upon her breasts perfume
for the fisherman, and the princes
Your love taught me  how to cry without crying
It taught me how sadness sleeps
Like a boy with his feet cut off
in the streets of the Rouche and the Hamra

Your love taught me to grieve
and I have been needing, for centuries
a woman to make me grieve
for a woman, to cry upon her arms
like a sparrow
for a woman to gather my pieces
like shards of broken crystal

-Nizar Qabbani

Bacchanal

Last night, I drank an entire bottle of wine.

I don’t remember much. I remember laughing a lot. I remember smiling a lot. I remember a beautiful man who I’ve known for years and swoon over spending a lot of time talking to me. I remember waking up in my bed.

What I wish I hadn’t blacked out was the fact that Beautiful Man kissed me. He Kissed Me. In all the years that I’ve been a total teenager about him, I’ve dreamed of what that would be like.

AND FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CAN’T REMEMBER IT.

Life is wasted on the drunk…

Fog

Love is a fog that burns away with the first sunlight of reality.

You’re Kind To Me

I had a visitor today. I find it easy to fantasize about my friend, who is tall, young and handsome. Not only is he all of these things, he’s also kind to me. He makes me laugh. I think he is too young for me, and he thinks I am too old. But still, whenever he’s near me I feel happy.

We shared a cup of coffee together and he told me a little of his life. I complemented his writing and it seemed to surprise him.

He hugged me twice before he left. Kind of like he didn’t know what to do but hug me. It made me happy then, but it makes me sad now. Why couldn’t he just stay and fit into that lonely hole in my heart that I seem to forget about when he’s around?

…I’m an adolescent.

From a Rose

I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH AND I DON’T CARE.

Young Man

Maybe I should pretend like it never happened, like I didn’t invite you over, and you didn’t kiss me. Unfortunately, I can’t stop thinking about it and you. You’re in such a great time of your life, I’m envious. You should be romping around in as many beds as you possibly can, feeling angry at the world, getting drunk, hurling expletives, feeling hopeful, meeting lots of Los Angeles’s beautiful women and fucking all of them, denouncing love, falling in love a million times, going broke, writing bad drunken poetry, taking great fucking photos, working on shitty movies, working shitty jobs, feeling hopeful that one great one will be around the corner, getting that great job, building your confidence so that you will jump in and produce a thing of your own. Man. If I could have a muse, my friend, you’d be it. All of the possibility and the frustration and the hopes and the dashed hopes and your wit and your adventure and your youth and your smile and the fact that ginger tea makes you giggle for some reason and your brooding and all that is wrapped up in your skin. When I kiss you, it’s not just fun for me anymore. It used to seem simple and uncomplicated. Now when I kiss you, all of the things that torment me and make me feel intoxicated with my loneliness start to undress themselves. My charm falls to the floor and all I am is this horribly vulnerable person.

I feel things very intensely. It’s not anything that anyone should be asked to handle. You didn’t come over in an attempt to handle any of it.

As much as I see in you that I find lovely and beautiful and sparkling… Damn it I want someone to see that in me. I want someone else to see everything I have winding round and round in my heart and head and find it wonderful and to let me know that they find it wonderful. I want a Clyde to my Bonnie. I really don’t know you that well at all and I might be just a very imaginative person, creating this romantic ideal of you, This Young Man. Not to say that you don’t have your own very real, very good qualities. We just don’t know each other that well and the idea I have of what you should be doing as a Young Man is so much better than perhaps what its really like being a young man. 

Romp. Kiss. Play. Work. Work. Work. Write. Photograph. Those are the things I hope you are doing, and more you beautiful creature. I’ll write stories and feature you in them.

I Get…

Sing it girl

Gibran

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” – Kahlil Gibran

Newlyweds

My friends just got married yesterday. I hope that their love lasts long into their old age and I hope that he makes her feel that she is loved every single day of the rest of their lives. Gives you hope, don’t it? It gives me hope.

Heavy

Heavy skirts
pulled at by the underneath
deep darkness
grasping out at the glimmer
of a friend long lost
aching, missing,
wondering why did she leave in the first place
no matter she has come back to us now
and she will never leave.
Deep darkness
holds onto what it lost
and won’t let go this time
no, never again
because it is too precious
didn’t realize what it had till it left
and now her heavy skirts
have brought her back
have brought her back for good.

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